I'm up late again..very tired, fatigued, and have a "hud-ache"(as J.J. would say it)..J.J.'s been running high, then low, then high today. Very strange patterns lately. So here we are checking him 2-3 times a night. This seems to be our pattern right now. He's o.k. for a few days, then not o.k.,.....o.k.....then not o.k. Last night at midnight I should have checked him, but I didn't. My Mama heart is so sad to have to poke him so much. I thought he had been doing fine at night, so I decided to leave him alone and try to sleep. Unfortunately his waking number was the highest he's been since out of the hospital.
With the odd numbers today we decided another round of night checks are in order. We are having to do this at least 3-4 nights a week. Jason says he'll take all the night checks for me since I take on most of the care, but it's still hard. If I go to bed, I end up waking up for all of the checks and not being able to sleep very good at all. If I can stay up for the midnight check, then my body is wasted and I can sleep through the 3 am check.....but I still wake at 5 or so and am anxious to know the number. That's what our life revolves around....numbers.....even the kids ask ...."Where is he at?"...."Is he high or low?".
I've been sad lately....and it's been hard to justify at times. I get frustrated at myself for being sad, but that's what I am.....just sad. To help keep me from sinking too low I try to fill my mind with what I am thankful for. Even little dumb things.....like in the hospital I was thankful for extended-wear contacts. Since we didn't know we were going straight to the hospital I didn't have an overnight bag or anything.....and being a good 1 1/2 hours away, having contacts I could leave in and not be in pain was truly a blessing. I guess being thankful reminds me of Phil 4:6-7....
Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.
And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
The beginning of verse 6 is sooooo hard to carry out right now.....but the answer is in the second half.....Pray: making requests while being thankful.....I know if I just pray the peace will come!! And it does....but then my mind starts up again, or the tears start to flow. The harder question for me is....Can I be at peace, yet still be sad? Be content with this trial, this suffering..... yet still feel a heavy burden? Hmm.....
20 minutes to go....can I stay awake? I had trained myself to be a morning person to match my husbands personality...so this late night stuff is hard for me right now. I know I'll probably start getting used to being up late again. I don't know why but the end of Robert Frosts poem "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening" came to mind.....
The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.
........and miles to go before I sleep.....well, actually about 15 minutes now!!:)
1 comment:
Hi.
I found you by a comment on my blog.
I just wanted to give you a little encouragement. Life with diabetes will always be hard. But, you'll find that you're up for the challenge.
As far as getting up at night. My husband and I still get up 2-3 times a night. After 2 years our bodies have gotten used to getting 2-3 hours of sleep at a time. But, I remember days of thinking I couldn't keep my eyes open one more minute.
You are so new to this. After only 6 weeks or so you're still in shock and you're still grieving.
Allow yourself to grieve. I did. I grieved for my son and all those needle sticks he had to endure. I grieved because everything seems a little more complicated for him. And, I have to admit, I grieved for myself. This wasn't the life I envisioned.
But, I am almost 28 months into my son's diagnosis and I don't grieve anymore. I get sad some days, but I've learned that Riley is happy and he's healthy. That's what's really important at the end of the day.
I just wanted to let you know that I've been where you are. And I know it's not a great place to be. But, you won't be there forever.
Sorry, I didn't mean to leave such a long comment. If you ever want to chat or vent feel free to email me any time.
Also, if it's OK I'm going to link to your blog in my sidebar.
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